On My Own

I find myself wanting to talk about so many different things - my hobbies, my family, my friends, my past, my future - all of that stuff helps make up who I am (that was a bit of "duh" statement). Although most of those things have changed over the years, I think there is a part about me, a part of my personality and character, that has stayed consistent and continues to influence those other things about me. Sometimes this trait has had a positive influence on my life and sometimes it's obviously negatively changed things.

Independent.
I have always been that way. Even as a young child I found that I was happy doing my own thing. I wasn't one of the kids that was terrified to be separated from their parents on the first day of preschool. I begged to go to sleep-away camp. When I went to France in fourth grade on an exchange trip for three weeks, I didn't want to come home. I hate asking for help. I wanted to go to college far enough away that I couldn't drive home for a weekend. I like driving long distances by myself. I hate when people pay for things for me. I have different political views than everyone in my family (and I mean everyone, extended family included).

It makes it sound like I don't like my family, but that is the furthest thing from the truth. I love them and they have done a lot for me over the years. As much as it breaks my mom's heart that I don't want to move close to home after I graduate, I'm glad that I'm not scared to move to a place where I know no one. I've done it several times in the past four years and every move has taught me something new.

Maybe I became so independent because my family moved several times when I was growing up - I learned at an early age to say goodbye to good friends and start over again. Maybe it was my obsession for reading, where I would easily get lost, and still do, in an adventure tale where the main character would take on everything imaginable and come out on top. Whatever it was, I'm thankful.

My independence has taught me to believe in myself, to do what I want to do even if others don't agree or question my ability. When I told my high school newspaper advisor that I was planning on coming to Mizzou for journalism he told me he wasn't sure it was the right profession for me and that I might not hack it. I'm glad I didn't think he was right, instead I used it to push myself harder, to excel at every journalism-related course, task or job that was set out for me. I enjoy journalism for the freedom it gives me and the fact that I'm always learning something new (just as an example, today I learned how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck did chuck wood - no joke).

In the past year and a half I've discovered that my talents lie in the editing and design field. When I find myself not wanting to eat lunch so I can make a story flawless, or write the perfect headline, or find a way to draw in a reader with exciting typography or break down a story into reader-friendly bullets - I know I've found my niche. And it certainly reminds me of when I was younger and would skip meals to read one more chapter, read one more book, finish one more series.

But as much as independence has helped me succeed, it has failed me in other realms of my life. It has made me try to do it all, and when I can't - for instance, get straight A's every semester - I get upset. I often take on tasks and jobs unnecessarily because I feel I can only trust myself to do it right, which causes a lot of unneeded stress. I also find it hard to make really deep connections with people. I can say I've never had a true best friend - lots of just regular friends, but no one that knows me from the inside out. Not that I've ever really let someone in. I don't want to risk my freedom by getting attached to someone.

I embrace my independence for all that it has helped me accomplish and I look forward to confronting the new challenge of the real world on my own and doing a job that I love. But as I move ever closer to life after schooling, I realize that it's important to open up, to let others help me and to learn to trust others. For now, I'm glad my future is still pretty wide open and I'm not afraid of where it might be taking me.