I am whoever I say I am. Or am I?

I really don’t know where to go with this blog entry. In essence, I was asked to give a personality profile and history of myself and exploits in journalism. This is something I have thought about for a few days. And, as I sit here to write this, I’m still not sure what I’m going to say.

What do I talk about? Should I talk about what I think of myself? Should I discuss what other people think of me? Better yet, wouldn’t it be fun to compare the two and see the discrepancies? Probably, but it would also be depressing, and I don’t need too much of that in my head. There’s enough in there as it is. And contrary to what many people might think, it’s more than just sports trivia.

That’s one of the issues I’ve dealt with in the past couple of years. I’m known as a “sports guy”. What I do at the Missourian is only part of that. As some of you may know about me, in the world of sports trivia, I’m kind of a big deal. People know me. That’s because I appeared on a sports trivia show three times this fall, and I won twice. I don’t mention this to brag, but simply so you know the labels people put on me. When I open my mouth about something other than sports, people who don’t know me look surprised that I know something other than who won the 1974 World Series or Jason Horton’s assists-to-turnover ratio. (The Athletics beat the Dodgers four games to one and Horton is at exactly 2-to-1.)

Let’s say I was known for a deep knowledge of, for example, international politics instead of sports. People would say, “Geez, that Brian sure is a smart guy. He’s going places.” But, since my specialty seems to be sports, people probably think, “Well, he does have a good memory, that’s a plus. I just wish he used it for something important.” I don’t know if this is true, but maybe, it doesn’t matter.

Sports, after all, are just a series of games that have had rules and importance attached to them. In the long run, sports probably don’t matter. What happens in Washington or Jefferson City is probably more important than whether Mike Anderson rebuilds Missouri into what it was a few years ago. The problem, for me anyway, is twofold. One, I try and try and try again to diversify my interests. But, for some reason, I just can’t do it. It’s either, “I don’t have the time,” or, “Meh, I’ll do it later.”

The second problem I have is something I referred to earlier about the importance of sports. I know, that if everything in my career goes as planned, I will have spent my entire life talking about games. A part of me thinks that’s scary and a waste of a life. Every so often, I read the blog of the San Francisco Chronicle’s Washington D.C. Bureau Chief. The writer’s name: Marc Sandalow. My cousin. When he was my age, he was a sociology major at Oberlin College. Granted, he is a much, much, much smarter man than I’ll ever be. But, part of me thinks that with the right focus during college, I could eventually do some of the stuff he has. After all, I’ll have a journalism degree and he won’t.

So do I think I’ll be wasting my life if I continue writing about games? Maybe. It just depends on how good I get. And, I think I’m good. I’ve always thought I’m good. In high school, my advisor told me I was the best young sports writer he has ever read. High praise, or so I thought. Since then, I think I’ve always had an inflated sense of my abilities. Whenever I apply for an internship, I always believe I am the best applicant and I’ll blow the recruiter away with my talent. Just now I’m starting to realize this isn’t true. And it hurts. The internships and jobs haven’t come yet. This is somewhat because sports doesn’t have the same entry-level opportunities as other disciplines. But it’s also because I’m not as good as I once thought. My talents aren’t original. There are others that are better than me, and others who will have better opportunities.

Lately, I have found myself resenting people who openly discuss their summer plans. One part of my brain thinks these people are insufferable braggers. But the rational part knows that I am jealous and insecure. An example of this happened in class Wednesday. When that girl raised her hand and asked how to negotiate with a company that she turned down, I wanted to get up and tell her to “Shut the %&@# up!” I do not know this person, nor do I even know her name. She may be a great person, but for those minutes, I hated her essence and her soul. But the thing I hated most is what she has. What I want.

Will I ever get that in sports? Who knows, but it’s going to be one hell of a game.
-Brian