A little, or a lot, behind

A few people on this blog have mentioned how much writing about themselves sucks. I agree.
I’ve spent my life trying to take my average-ness and make it extraordinary, spending the majority of this attempt of mine planted face first into the ground.
I’m 24 years old, and still working on my first degree, when most of my high school friends have families, children and have move onto medical school or law programs.
I’m not part of the honors college, nor will I walk down that stage in May with some “laude” attached to my existence. I wasn’t targeted at any age as being special, or bright, or someone my teachers should pay attention to.
I think that’s why I curse and are proud of how I am doing at the same time. I think I am not as talented as the dozens of people I have met in the j-school, but I think I am underestimated. I try to accomplish things such as traveling the world or getting a good internship, and are still left with the idea that I have failed in some way.
People sometimes say they come from a “traditional values” family. I was always perplexed by that idea, but I couldn’t ever pinpoint what a traditional values is. I claim that title on the idea that I’m the first-born male of my generation that comes from an old-money family who lose their prestige and money a long time ago. Therefore the old money title no longer works, unless you ask my parents. I was told at a very obscenely young age that I was required to bring “honor” back to my name and all this shit by my grandmother.
Somehow I have to bring honor to a divorced, mostly dead family name.
It still haunts me to this day.
I chose a career of which my parents disapproved. I was supposed to be a lawyer or a doctor, not a writer.
When I said to my mother I was moving to Missouri for journalism, she said promptly to me, “Oh honey, Missouri exists for one reason and one reason only – to be flown over.” Then she proceeded to ask how my NYU application was coming.
This is my life.
I feel most of the time I fail. Obviously, I have the shadow of not choosing a career that has made my family proud to even talk about.
Plus, I don’t think I am that raw blindly talented at what I do that I can legitimize this choice. Going to a really good school surrounded by talented people is overwhelming for two reasons. First, the raw talent you meet inspires you to do well, and inspires you to be at least 50 percent as good as they are.
Secondarily, people are so damn proud of what they have accomplished.
I hate talking about myself. I’m not that important. My work is more important than me. Hopefully, maybe, I can prove it to someone.. At least for my mother’s sake.